vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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