Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Why is there bacon in the couch?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
