If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
