it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I just forgot I was standing up.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
