Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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