i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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