my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
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