i need an iv and a liver transplant
Applied 4 a nanny job usin a Legit Site. Xplain to me how the couple I found offered me a 3some complete with 'sexy pics' of the wife blowin hubby. wtf?
obviously you're part succubus.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
He better not be in your backpack
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Randomize
