When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
