This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
