I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I stole a fireplace last night.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
