Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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