i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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