I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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