You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
