just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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