Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
