You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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