yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
