im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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