How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
