You're so nebulous sometimes
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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