Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
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After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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