what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Boobs speak an international language.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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