I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Randomize
