very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
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