If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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