I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
whose parrot is this?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Randomize
