I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
