Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
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