I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Randomize
