speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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