Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
