im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
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