I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Pants are for mortals
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Randomize
