seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
