im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
