do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
