your room smells of hookers.
And success
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
