A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
