I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Randomize
