Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
