; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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