I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
These 29 Nasty People Went To The Bathroom In Public
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.