I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!