drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Randomize
