Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
