A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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