Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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