Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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