I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
