I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
