dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
