Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
You made out with two different species that night
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
