totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
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