So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
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