before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
