just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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