So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
