All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Just invented taco cereal.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
