i think my mom watched the whole time
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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