if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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