this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
